Confessions of a Recovering Legalist

Last week one morning, I woke up around 4 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. The more I lay awake, the more frustrated and discouraged I became. I couldn't fall back asleep, and I knew that I would likely feel grumpy for the rest of the day. 

At long last, I got out of bed, my head a steaming pile of garbage, a whirring train of anxiety and stress. I went to the word, thinking that I would find joy and solace there. Instead, I slogged through a chapter and felt like I couldn't do much more. 

That morning, I realized again that I was depending on getting my emotions just right before God to be "okay" with him. That I was hoping for a beautiful, soaring devotional time to feel "right" with him. Out of that realization, I started to journal, and I added to this journaling session through the rest of the week. Here are some of the realizations I came to (or, if I'm honest, came to again for the umpteenth time):

"It's almost too good to believe that I don't have to wake up and give God reasons to continue accepting me.

We not only begin in grace. We stand in grace (Rom. 5:2). Through Jesus!

We stand in the gospel. (1 Cor. 15:1)

God gives us the victory (1 Cor. 15:57). It doesn't say that we earn the victory.

I try to get my emotions and thoughts all just right, arranged perfectly before God so that he does not cast me out.

My heart struggles mightily against the free gift of righteousness. Gift.

Father, let your Spirit lead me into more of Christ! Let me know your grace. Pour out the Spirit of grace into my heart.

The "free gift" brought justification (Rom. 5:16).

We start to look at the smiles of those around us. We begin to feel some measure of the Spirit's healing and change in our hearts. We begin to be involved in some work of God. And we forget the absolute foundation of our righteousness: the gracious provision of Christ. We begin to trust the sweetest frame rather than wholly leaning on Jesus' name.

Romans 5:18-19 says, 'Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous.'

We share in the legal verdict of Jesus Christ and all that flows from that verdict: eternal life. And this not of ourselves, but of God. We are made righteous by Christ's obedience (Rom. 5:19).

Our pride resists this. Our desire for glory resists this. We want our cause for boasting to be in ourselves. Don't believe me? Read Romans 4:2, 1 Cor. 1:28-31, and Eph. 2:8-9. If you have pride in your heart, a desire to boast in yourself and what you have accomplished, perhaps in that same measure you will resist the grace of God in your heart.

It's not that we need to do away with the natural, inborn sense that perfect good works and righteous living merit eternal life, nor that sinful deeds and transgression merit death. It's not false. It's just that we need to shift the person on whom we make that connection depend. From ourselves to Christ, because we are righteous in Him by grace. Don't believe me? Read Phil. 3:9, 2 Cor. 5:21, and Rom. 5.

Our peace with God, our right standing, with sins totally gone and righteousness perfectly supplied, is nothing other than unearned gift through the abundant grace of Jesus Christ our Lord. We are righteous in Christ (2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 5).

What if eternal life was not over the hill, to be won by a long, heavy climb? What if instead you came and sat under another hill, the hill of Calvary, and watched as the Son of God won, for you, your life?

Your eternal life and righteousness is Christmas morning, not pay day. It's being a kid and waking up in your bed, smelling the bacon sizzling for breakfast and the ham baking for Christmas dinner. It's running downstairs to see the gifts all piled up. He's made the food; he's bought the gifts. You receive.

It's not pay day, walking into the office all grimy and sweaty after a long day, saying, 'Give me my paycheck.' It's Christmas, not pay day. Don't believe me? Read Rom. 4:4-5.

And see what's rising in your heart? Resistance. Unbelief. Yes, some gratitude and awe. A faith mixed with unbelief. We believe, help our unbelief. 

They say that the Trinity is a stumbling block for the Muslims. Something they can't wrap their minds around and therefore disbelieve. 

Could it be that the free grace of God is a stumbling block for us legalists? Are we like the Galatians? Would Paul say, 'Who has bewitched you?' Would he be perplexed about us like he was them, making it his pleading, straining goal to remind us, 'For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery'? (Gal. 5:1)

The Bible does not only take pains to keep us from falling away because of the sensuous, rioting, fleshly sins of the world! It also takes pains to keep us from submitting again to a yoke of slavery!

In sum, Christ saves you. Not you.

And we often try to 'balance' this grace with the fact that 'faith works.' Of course faith works! Of course those who are justified will be sanctified! 

But this 'of course' is Lazarus walking out of the tomb - of course he will. Is the 'of course' of those who have been given new life - of course they will live. A new heart - of course they will love. New eyes - of course they will see.

Try as you might, you cannot escape the absolute grace and giving of God. That proud, self-boasting, fearful, slavish part of you will rise up and demand to be given its due, but God will give him nothing.

Christ is all. Our righteousness, our sanctification, and our redemption. To him only be the glory.

And oh, if only I could learn this! And having learned it, remember it forever!

Christ help me. I believe, help my unbelief.

In Ephesians 3, Paul prays for strength for the Ephesian believers. Why strength? Because they need that strength to comprehend the love of Christ! 'That you may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge' (Eph. 3:18-19). It's like Paul gets back from a hiking trip through the Himalays of Christ's love. Massive, dizzying heights and plummeting depths--thousands of things to be seen and experienced. Paul looks the Ephesians in the eye and says, 'You'll need strength to explore something so vast and awesome as the love of Christ.' Jesus' love is not Sunday School cutesie fluff. It's much more massive, awesome, and glorious than the Himalayas!

And in that same book, Paul speaks similarly of grace. God is going to use eternity to show us the 'immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus' (Eph. 2:7). Not small. Not sidelined. Not partial. Not part way. Immeasurable. He'll be our tour guide, our hike exploration leader, our loving Father who will take us deeper into his grace in Christ Jesus. 'Come, look at this aspect of my grace in kindness toward you in Christ Jesus. Come, over here now, look at, taste, experience, enjoy this facet of my grace toward you in Christ Jesus, your crucified, loving Redemer! Your righteousness.' And so on through eternity. Mountain range on mountain range and ocean upon ocean he will show us.

Christ alone demands the glory for my righteousness. When I lean on myself, I not only live in fear--I contend against him for glory.

Christ, come and alone get glory, and forgive us for our legalism. Let your Spirit, the Spirit of grace, come and guide us into all truth.